E1 - The Dream - 6 months off

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The Dream

I Woke up from an airport themed dream. I took a nap after a friend of mine left. I was in an airport. I was early but I did not check in. I saw my parents and brother behind glass but I could not get to them. We were on the same flight and they knew but because of our relationship they did not come find me. Seconds later it was an hour to take off. I looked and did not find them. I went to check in but the line was long and dense. I look up and see that there are 5 minutes till the boarding door closed. I missed the flight.

What it made me realize

I feel shame for not following others. I tell what I think you want to hear. I would rather escape & run instead of face the fear head on. Thoughts are not action. I can not change the world without action. Thoughts & ideas are a dime a dozen. As I sat in the feelings that it generated within me, this story came to me.

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I have a story to tell that has been incubating for years

It began at my birth

It has guided my every thought and action

It is in my every step

Since my birth it was shamed away

I pushed it down until it went silent

It was still in my every step but I gave it names

Those names grew into the core of my identity

American, Black, Nigerian, Yoruba, Engineer, Cook, Calm, A chilled guy

Those are all curated deceptions

I exist beyond that

Even peter pan will grow old without growing up

I took 6 months off life as I knew it

I woke up without alarms and went to bed with silence

I made friends with my shadow

I softly comforted my pain as It dug into my psyche

I made friends with my pain

The more I listened the more it spoke volumes

It reminded me of the body I had neglected

It showed me the people I have ignored

It reminded me about the life I gave up on

It showed me all the projects I had failed at

It reminded me that my life has just begun

It showed me that it can be worth living

I took 6 months off to understand myself

Why do I say yes when I really mean no?

Why do I try to please people I do not know?

Why do I push away when I should be pulling close?

Why do I try to control the uncontrollable?

Why can’t I tryst myself?

Why do I lie to myself?

Why do I deceive myself?

I spent a lot of time in silence

I realized I needed to disconnect because the internet hijacked my thoughts

I put away the ipod, deleted apps and dropped my phone

I got a clock that ticks to tell the time

3 days a week I did yoga

To be hair I took a vacation

In the midst of the silence I heard my own voice

In the midst of the silence I heard my own thoughts

In the midst of the silence I heard my own body

I felt the weight of regret and wasted opportunities

I saw my future bright and clear

I was afraid, alone & still indecisive but most of all resentful

Resentful because I did not try

Resentful because I gave up when it was too real

Resentful for allowing my shortcomings to drive

Its easy to hide and lie around others

Its hard to sit in the regret it causes

A week ago I had a dream

It felt more like a nightmare

It told me I had a story to tell

I hate talking about myself but I don’t have a choice

I called it through the silence

I made space for my inner wisdom to take over

I pulled it out so it won’t be silent

I kindled the whisper

Gestation is over son

Its time to push

This life waits for no one.

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Thanks for reading and until next time,

Continue being awesome